“It was too hard to say the words, so I wrote them down.”

I’m 17. I used to get high with nail polish remover or once in a while with gas, but I stopped the gas thing when people told me I smelled like gas. Sometimes, when we could get it, my friends and I would take a whole bunch of stuff like Gravol or Nyquil. One time I was at a party and I was pretty out of it and I was raped. I don’t remember much. I don’t like to think about it. But it happened. I was so scared and angry and I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to say anything because one time my friend got hurt by these guys and when she told the counsellor the counsellor said, “What do you expect when you drink like that?” I think I just kept all the pain inside. A while later my friends and I started messing around with lighters, seeing how close we could hold the flames to our hands and stuff. I started doing it even without my friends. I don’t know why I did it. The flame seemed so pure or something. I would have these burns on my hands and stomach and I went to the nursing station. The nurse was really nice, actually. After I went to see her a couple time with burns she looked at me like, what is going on. So I stayed away. But then I came back and gave her a note because I just couldn’t say the words to explain what was going on. She read the note and just sat quietly with me for the longest time. She didn’t like that counselor either so every two weeks I go to this other counselor near here. She’s helping me see that I shouldn’t be embarrassed and that I will be ok. I heard about this program in another rez where people get yellow ribbons to show awareness of suicide and problems like that. If you feel like you’re in trouble you just give the ribbon to a teacher or an elder or one of the social workers. I think that’s a good idea because I know how hard it is to say the words. I want to talk to the council soon about getting those ribbons because I think it will help.