My Break-Up

“I was destroyed when my boyfriend left me, but I found my way through the pain.”

When I was fifteen I was going out with this older guy. He was 22 and I totally loved him. That relationship meant so much to me. All the girls were so jealous of me because he was so hot. He would tell me I was beautiful and smart and how much he liked being with me.

We’d drive around together, rent movies and go to parties. He bought me this leather jacket for my birthday and I just felt he loved me so much. I felt like he was the only good thing in my life. I hated school and I tried to find a job but there wasn’t very much out there.

After being together for about six months he got all cold and funny, like he was a million miles away, and then he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I couldn’t believe it. It was like the words were coming from a long way away. I cried so much; I didn’t know you could have that many tears. I felt so alone. I couldn’t believe that he would throw what we had away.

I wanted to talk to my mom about it because she has had lots of boyfriends, but she was actually away for most of this time because her boyfriend drives a truck and she’d be away with him a lot. I really miss her sometimes.

Anyway, I just couldn’t get over him and I started thinking about how bad he would feel if I was dead. That would make him realize. My friend broke up with her boyfriend around this time and I kind of said, well, we should have a suicide pact. I’ll do it if you do it. She looked freaked out right away so I pretended I was only kidding. But she went and told this woman at her church, who called the social worker, and I got called to the principal’s office.

I was so angry with them all; I didn’t want to even talk to them. After a while they talked me into going to this counselor. She’s pretty good, I guess. The thing I like the most is writing things down in my journal. I write poems and stories; whatever is in my head, you know. I keep it in my backpack all the time. I know it’s only a notebook but it makes me feel better.

I drink too much once in a while, but I’m working on that. I think I will always have some kind of feelings for my ex-boyfriend, but I know now that I don’t need him to be okay with myself.